The Beautiful Kootenai River =)

pffff....hahaha

The Somewhat Harsh Truth

What a long battle this has been.  I can honestly say this has indeed been the toughest part of my life so far.

I was told I wasn't all the way healed and I need to take it easy.  I took it as a slap in the face.
"What?!  Can't do everything I want?" Excuse me?!"  How dare you tell me to limit my schedule.

I always liked the fact I was involved in many different things.  I liked to do everything and help everybody.  When I came to college, I took off with free wings.  I had all this stuff to do and look forward too.  Tons of classes, concerts, activities, groups, the list that I signed up for went on and on.  Until it came to a screeching halt 9 months ago.

Everything was gone. All the groups, concerts, friends, activites.  Gone.  I was unable to do any of it.  I fell into a hole... a punishment maybe. Who knows?  No point trying to justify it now.

I am still not 100%.  Not even close.  But slowing working toward feeling completely better.  I learned very quickly it's way more than just physical problems.  I have an even bigger challenge.

This horrible experience is my que to change something in my life.  The time to take care of my body when in high school I didn't really have to think about it.  I need to eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and consume my body weight in water....ok maybe not that much...and also balancing my life and not overloading has to be my top priority.  I have to learn how to say "no, this is too much, let's cut back."  Never in my life have I ever had to do this, nor have I ever wanted to do this.  It's always been go, go, go or sign me up....Well, the time has come where I can actually take another step towards building my maturity by saying enough is enough.'

Another point I came to realize on my own is actually the aspect of myself.  Make any sense?? ;-) Well, I have figured out that after being sick for so long, I lost so much.  Muscle mass, stamina, personality, emotion, drive, ambition, strength, individuality, confidence....the list goes on.  I lost who I was as a person.  A lot of what I had before was school and keeping busy.  When that wasn't an option, I didn't really know what to do with myself.  A friend kept saying "get a hobby, do something."  I thought "I love to do lots of things....anything....But what did I have to do that wasn't school?  Some of the stuff isn't an option right now due to my condition.  I couldn't be happy by myself.  I needed something....anything.

This is my challenge now: to improve myself as a person.  I have to do it all over again.  Construct a better adult self.  Maybe that's what change is.... How well you adapt to something uncomfortable and new.  I had been living my life the same way since middle school: busy, busy, busy because it's what I had.  Now, I have so much more in life to focus on and balance: school, money, gigs, family, a house, friends, boyfriend...and myself.  I have to be a part of what I balance, too.  Nothing will succeed if I don't improve along with it.  I need to learn to be happy with myself....by myself...with nothing or no one around me.  That's what I need to change.

People kept telling me "I wouldn't change the bad times in my life, they taught me valuable lessons."  I kept thinking man, I wish I could delete this mono experience!  But now, maybe they were right, I don't think I would change what I've been through.  I'm going to get there...someday but right now I have to make the best of it.  This was a harsh way of telling me...I need to change some things in my life and the journey entails figuring out what needs to change.  To be honest, I think it did have to be something this brutal in order to get my attention....I'm way too stubborn! =)

Here it goes, we'll see if I can start making the change.  I need to learn to breathe, appreciate the scenes and smells, relax.  I have to look at the good that has come out of this experince.  It stopped me from potentially becoming a work-a-holic, it's an opportunity to make new friends, and to pay close attention to what I need and what I want.  I can pick out big landmarks/turning points in my lifetime in which I had to conquer and move forward despite fear and uncertainty: grade school/middle school/driving/high school/going to college...and now this one...transition to?...well, I'm not really sure yet.

Every once in a while ya need something new in your life like an outfit or a hairstyle....

Mine??

The Way I Live My Life =)

Word

Randomnezzzzz

I don't know why...but I have always found these things fun.


Ever snuck out of the house?
uuuh....I don't think so


Your relationship status?
In one =)


Where did you meet your crush(es)?
Sushi Lounge & Hockey Game


Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?
Oh ya


Do you smoke weed regularly?
Nah


Do you smoke?
No


Would you parents be mad if you were in a relationship?
Um...I hope not lol


When was the last time you really laughed? 
Geez....


Something is wrong. First guy you turn too?
Michael


First girl you’d turn to?
Katelinn & Holly


Is there anyone who doesn’t like you because of something you did?
Um....I'm not sure...I hope not...but probably 


Angry at anyone?
Yes


What are you thinking about right now?
I don't really know...my brain is like a film reel


When was the last time you cried really hard?
Um...a couple weeks ago


Is there anyone you would do anything for?
Yes


Who was the last person you talked to for more than 10 minutes on the phone?
My mom =)


What is your favorite song?
Teach me how to duggie 


What mood are you in right now?
Stale


How many people can you tell almost everything to?
3 or 4


Have you ever wished on a shooting star?
Oh totally


What is your natural hair color?
Brown


Describe yourself in one word.
Blank


Ever threw your phone?
Pfff.....ya


Do you act differently around the person you like?
Nope =)


Honestly, what guy’s number do you have memorized?
Dude, I don't know! Michael's, My Dad's, Uncle's, Donald Trump


Is it hard to make you laugh?
No =)


Do you have a best friend that knows you inside and out?
Yes =)


Are you happy with life right now?
Yes


Have you ever had your heart broken?
Um....Think so?


Have you ever broken someone’s heart?
Think so... not sure


Is there anybody you’re really disappointed in?
Yes


Where is your best friend?
Sitting at a table behind me, In Ohio, and In Ellensburg


Something you’re happy about?
The person sitting at the table behind me =) 

=)

"I am a Rock, I am an Island"...... What??

The title....wow...want a glimpse of my mind?....you just got it.


You'd think this post is maybe about rocks, rock climbing, Hawaii, Simon & Garfunkle??  Mmm....nah...That's too original!


The island part is just me being goofy but the rock part, well...that's a different story.


A rock... We think about... Strong, sturdy, supportive, consistent, reliable.


Well, I don't have an obsession about rocks what I'm talking about is my boyfriend, Michael.  About a week and a half ago, we celebrated being with each other for a year and a half.  In that time, we've been through so much and have been able to push through it together.  I can't say it was the easiest or funnest thing we've ever done, but I've always wanted him by my side in every situation.  When we first met, it was like I had been cast into a fairytale.  Here is my dream guy: a musician, singer, guitar player, a fan of Eddie Izzard...I was so lucky!!  But I had no idea what else he had in store.  He was the first guy to love everything about me right from the start.  All of my faults, quirks, insecurities.  He didn't care, He loved every single thing.  He wanted me and all the things in the package.  From the first time we met, we were inseparable.  He's my best friend, my "go-to" guy.  He's always there with love, support, and advice.  I'm not always the best at telling people how I feel or the best at showing it.  I'm not perfect and I make tons of mistakes.  Thank you, Michael, for taking me as I am and holding my hand through my troubles.  There are no words to describe how much I cherish and appreciate your selflessness and unconditional love.  I learn from you everyday.  You have taught me how to love in a brand new way and I hope one day I can become half the person you are. =)


You have been my rock and even though we have been through a trying ordeal, you were still my foundation when I needed it the most.  

                                              I love you, Michael.  Happy year and a half! =) 

A Great Experience

For the past week, I was help teaching at the Eastern Washington University Jazz Camp.  It was a blast! I met so many people and made even more new friends.  I helped teach a theory class which also tested my knowledge and even learn some presentation methods in teaching.

This camp was also a huge motivational booster.  It exposed gaps in my knowledge of jazz that I realized I definitely needed to work on.  Throughout the camp, I wrote goals, inspirational sayings, and even some practice techniques and methods to further my knowledge in Jazz.  I've only  been seriously studying Jazz for about 2 1/2 years.  I have improved a lot but I would like to sky rocket this year.

Another thing I noticed is....kids.  That was my job was to watch and help kids.  There were some absolute fantastically well-behaved and talented kids.  A handful of kids were little shits but what can ya do, right?  Throwing them off a cliff would be impractical.... Kidding ;-) You just bite the bullet and keep going with what you need to do.  I was thinking a lot about a career in teaching this past week.  I would strive to be a great teacher but again I can't really decide if that's what I want to do.  Maybe for a couple of years I might give it a shot.  Who knows?  There isn't any point in stressing myself out about which career I need to pick forever.  Right now,  I'm just getting back on my feet and enjoying whatever journey I take.  =)