What a long battle this has been. I can honestly say this has indeed been the toughest part of my life so far.
I was told I wasn't all the way healed and I need to take it easy. I took it as a slap in the face.
"What?! Can't do everything I want?" Excuse me?!" How dare you tell me to limit my schedule.
I always liked the fact I was involved in many different things. I liked to do everything and help everybody. When I came to college, I took off with free wings. I had all this stuff to do and look forward too. Tons of classes, concerts, activities, groups, the list that I signed up for went on and on. Until it came to a screeching halt 9 months ago.
Everything was gone. All the groups, concerts, friends, activites. Gone. I was unable to do any of it. I fell into a hole... a punishment maybe. Who knows? No point trying to justify it now.
I am still not 100%. Not even close. But slowing working toward feeling completely better. I learned very quickly it's way more than just physical problems. I have an even bigger challenge.
This horrible experience is my que to change something in my life. The time to take care of my body when in high school I didn't really have to think about it. I need to eat healthy, get plenty of rest, and consume my body weight in water....ok maybe not that much...and also balancing my life and not overloading has to be my top priority. I have to learn how to say "no, this is too much, let's cut back." Never in my life have I ever had to do this, nor have I ever wanted to do this. It's always been go, go, go or sign me up....Well, the time has come where I can actually take another step towards building my maturity by saying enough is enough.'
Another point I came to realize on my own is actually the aspect of myself. Make any sense?? ;-) Well, I have figured out that after being sick for so long, I lost so much. Muscle mass, stamina, personality, emotion, drive, ambition, strength, individuality, confidence....the list goes on. I lost who I was as a person. A lot of what I had before was school and keeping busy. When that wasn't an option, I didn't really know what to do with myself. A friend kept saying "get a hobby, do something." I thought "I love to do lots of things....anything....But what did I have to do that wasn't school? Some of the stuff isn't an option right now due to my condition. I couldn't be happy by myself. I needed something....anything.
This is my challenge now: to improve myself as a person. I have to do it all over again. Construct a better adult self. Maybe that's what change is.... How well you adapt to something uncomfortable and new. I had been living my life the same way since middle school: busy, busy, busy because it's what I had. Now, I have so much more in life to focus on and balance: school, money, gigs, family, a house, friends, boyfriend...and myself. I have to be a part of what I balance, too. Nothing will succeed if I don't improve along with it. I need to learn to be happy with myself....by myself...with nothing or no one around me. That's what I need to change.
People kept telling me "I wouldn't change the bad times in my life, they taught me valuable lessons." I kept thinking man, I wish I could delete this mono experience! But now, maybe they were right, I don't think I would change what I've been through. I'm going to get there...someday but right now I have to make the best of it. This was a harsh way of telling me...I need to change some things in my life and the journey entails figuring out what needs to change. To be honest, I think it did have to be something this brutal in order to get my attention....I'm way too stubborn! =)
Here it goes, we'll see if I can start making the change. I need to learn to breathe, appreciate the scenes and smells, relax. I have to look at the good that has come out of this experince. It stopped me from potentially becoming a work-a-holic, it's an opportunity to make new friends, and to pay close attention to what I need and what I want. I can pick out big landmarks/turning points in my lifetime in which I had to conquer and move forward despite fear and uncertainty: grade school/middle school/driving/high school/going to college...and now this one...transition to?...well, I'm not really sure yet.
Every once in a while ya need something new in your life like an outfit or a hairstyle....
Mine??
The Way I Live My Life =)
