Hmph

Today was my trumpet playing final or juries, as the music department defines them.

It just occurred to me why they call them juries:  it feels like you are attending your trial for the death penalty...

Ok, so maybe it's not that bad...

But this quarter, mine did not go so well.  I was playing two of the hardest etudes I've ever worked on.  I was very discouraged at times during the quarter but it ended up coming together.  I felt good about my work.  When juries came around today, I don't know what happened.  I didn't play very well after working my ass off.  I hadn't done a jury in a year but I don't know why that would matter.  I'm just so frustrated that I can't take what I've worked on and put it in a performance.  I don't know whether I just psych myself out or I sell myself short, thinking this is the best I can do.

I don't know what to think really.  Is something wrong with me?  I'm just so frustrated.  Am I not cut out for music?  Did mono screw up  my abilities?  Why do I choke every time?  I'm making myself suck.  Do I need more focus?  What do I need to change?  Do my teachers think I suck?  Are they disappointed in me?  That is the worst feeling in the world.  I'm just kind of ranting right now...

I've been thinking a lot about what to do with my life and I don't know what I really want out of it yet.  Do I want to be a music therapist?  Do I want to teach?  I think it would be fun but am I really cut out for it?  Would I even be very good at teaching?

I needed to write something about this because I'm to upset to talk to anyone.  I just spent about 5 minutes crying in a practice room.

People say you always think it's 10 times worse than it really is.  You probably sounded great.

I just wasn't happy with my performance.  I could have played better technically and musically.  I know I can do better but I just stay stuck in this rut.

Well, nothing to do but say onward!